Awareness for NPD

In this blog post I want to share helpful resources and personal experiences on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I've been diagnosed with NPD and I feel I need to take the opportunity to provide compassionate, scientific valid and inclusive content, as this disorder is still heavily stigmatized and misunderstood.

Enjoy the following YouTube videos by Dr. Mark Ettensohn, a renowned professional on this matter.

Social Anxiety and NPD:


Why Narcissists feel empty inside:


The Role of the False Self in Narcissism:


Illness Anxiety and NPD:


Why Narcissists Lack Empathy:


Do Narcissists "Know" what they're doing:


The False Self - A Tragic Survival Strategy


The Hidden Fear Behind NPD - Being Ordinary:


It Feels Real, But It's Not: Grandiosity in NPD:


Is Narcissism The New Moral Panic?


Please check out the @Heal NPD channel for more very precious content.


By the way, in the german speaking world only ARTE did it right:



I want to close this blog post with my own experiences, that I posted under one of Dr. Ettensohns videos:



Thank you for your video! I came to the realization that I can show multiple faces to different kind of people. It's like you put on a mask, because you instantly read the other person. And you know how they function and how you can portray yourself. It's the self-defence mechanism, that you needed to develop as a child. But it's also that you believe it will bring you admiration and compassion. You've learnt long ago that you are not loved for who you are, but rather how you act, or how you behave. So, sometimes it feels like the world is my stage. Yet no one knows me truly.

The other aspect is even more relatable (grandiose and vulnerable states). Me and my therapist used a metaphor for this: I have a piggy bank, which contains my stable self-esteem / self-worth. Now I want to put giant, shiny coins in them. Achievements, accomplishments, successes. Because I feel, only then I'll be lovable and admirable. However only a certain type of small, unflashy coins can be put into the piggy bank. Now I need to learn to find them, put them in and collect them. 

NPD is oddly both about independence and dependence. You want to be independent of others. You don't need them, they need you. But you need them to feel better about yourself.

In therapy I realized that I treat other people as mirrors, not as human beings who might even be the main actor in their own movie. And I put the burdon on them to make me feel good about myself. That's why I'm constantly talking about my projects and accomplishments. That's why I devalue them if they don't fit my standards or criticise me. That's why I'm coming off as arrogant or aloof. But it's my responsibility to feel good about myself, not theirs.

In therapy I'm now learning two things: Filling my piggy bank with the matching coins. And not putting the responsibility on other people to make me feel special. This will be a long journey. Self-awareness is the first step towards a change. I don't believe in healing in terms of how it would be when I've never developed NPD. But I believe in managing my NPD. To become more happy and content with myself. My NPD is deeply intertwined with me, but it's a defense mechanism to protect myself, actually. 

This turned out to be more of a personal experience report. Hopefully it helps one or another.



I hope you can take the opportunity of this day to reflect on your own view on NPD.