Grandiosity and unconditional love

Today, I just want to be particularly proud of my far-above-average intelligence, competence, and talent. And even though I'm constantly aware of this, dark thoughts sometimes cross my mind, because I'm unhappy with my state of career, not really matching my personal expectations.




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Perfection is the only thing worth to me. A flawless human being, larger than life and above everything. A glorious goal, yet one that is barely reachable for anyone.

And still... the internalized ideal that one's worth can only be measured through great achievements and perfection is deeply ingrained in my personality.




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Life isn't easy as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Regardless how much I accomplish, I never feel truly connected to myself or other people. You cannot expect true (self-)love and (self-)acceptance for a conditional thing such as great success and power. NPD is a disorder of the self. It's the duality between a fragile sense of self that is compensated with grandiosity, regardless of the presentation. That's why even very successful and wealthy indivdiuals with NPD can never reach what they actually yearn for: being accepted for being themselves.  




I made my own scripting environment



You'd think a pwNPD is constantly on the highway of life? Think again. It's a life full of disappointments, rejection, sadness and emptiness. At one moment you're full of dopamine because your grandiosity is fueled by a new accomplishment - only to collapse because you get used to it. It becomes ordinary. You need more. While everyone around you having a hard time to understand the underlying structure of your thinking and acting. I'm constantly absorbed by my own fantasies of true greatness and accomplishments. What's worse, that you really need to put efforts in showing attention to other peoples needs, too. I personally don't possess the ability of emotional empathy, so I need to rationally understand a persons position - which depends on how I value that person and how stable I'm currently. When you're starving of finding true (self-)acceptance, you don't want (can't) focus on other peoples needs. 

NPD is a trauma induced survival strategy. We're not villains who prey on the weak. We are the ones who need help from society.

And if you want to support people with NPD, feel free to join the NPD Awareness Game jam. This game jam is dedicated to fostering compassion and inclusion for all pwNPD.

Link to jam:
https://itch.io/jam/npd-awareness-jam